Tuesday, January 29, 2013

FEELING INVISIBLE?

One of the reasons I love reading other cancer blogs is they remind me that I'm not alone in how I feel.  
(Copyright © 2013 The Big C and Me)

I comment on these blogs when I can, sometimes just a few words, but sometimes my sentences turn into missives. And that's when I know I've touched an internal nerve, the one that says, You have to blog about this!

That's what happened this morning. I was reading a new blog by Lisa Quintana, someone I discovered via the Facebook page of the ever-insightful Nancy's Point. Lisa blogs over at...
 Long Time Living: Living With Breast Cancer. On January 1st, she wrote a post entitled "Being Invisible and Drawing In." 

"I remember when I was first diagnosed with stage IV cancer, people started pulling back," Lisa writes. "They figured I was just going to die anyway and they didn't want to be there when I did it. Too bad that was in 1998 and I'm still here. Their loss." (Did I mention she is funny too?)

I don't have Stage IV breast cancer, but I completely relate to Lisa's description of how it feels to become invisible among friends. As Lisa aptly states, "Sometimes when you are diagnosed, you don't have the energy to put into relationships, quite frankly, you are just trying to stay alive. Sometimes the side effects make it so you draw in."

Cancer changes our relationships, that's a cold, hard truth. While some of these relationships are strengthened by our dance with death, others are unfortunately, inevitably, irrevocably weakened. 

As a cancer patient, no matter where you fall on the spectrum, you absolutely have to "draw in" your energies to focus on yourself, your treatment, your health. And therein lies the Catch-22. There are only so many hours in a day, and only so much energy to go around, so our time falls into snippets. 

And those snippets, over time, get snipped down even further to make room on a social calendar now packed with things we never wanted to do: constant research about our medical condition so we can aptly advocate for ourselves; medical records to continually request (and keep organized); a variety of physicians and nurses and assistants who are now a weirdly comforting part of our lives; pills (and other treatments) that forever alter our bodies; exercises we incorporate to maintain our health and our ROM, the new foods we eat that don't contain hormones and pesticides (and new ways to cook said food), the new cleaning products and grooming aids we purchase free of BPAs and other chemicals; the new friendships with other cancer peeps we cultivate to keep our sanity (a necessity, IMHO), the blog we start as a way to process all these changes.... 

Is it any wonder we are left with just a thimble full of time to devote to the rest of our lives not touched by cancer?

And exactly how do we do all this while trying to live less stressfully? We don't. We can't. 
But it does help explain the changes in all of our relationships.

It still bites when a friend or family member no longer finds the time to keep up with us — even though we barely keep up with them. (Which came first... us being preoccupied, or them being afraid of our needing more than they are capable of giving?)

I've written before about the phenomenon and intricacies of "hiding" that happens post-surgery, as well as the "checkouts" that leave their mark on our psyches. The checkouts are the people who can’t deal with our cancer — or our vulnerability. They don’t know what to say to us. They don't know what to do for us. And so they chose the path of least resistance: They do nothing, mistakenly thinking no contact is good contact — or at least better than awkward contact.

Here's my take on the "fading away" of friendships post cancer: 
  1. People are afraid of death and so they distance themselves. Sometimes this lasts a few days, sometimes a few months, and sometimes they fade right into oblivion.
  2. People misread our inability to give the same level of time and attention we gave when we were healthy. They may even misinterpret this to mean we no longer want them in our lives. 
  3. People fade away — and sometimes that is a good thing. Recognize "fair-weather" friends. Untie the reins, loosen the grip, release the energy required to keep up those friendship. How else can we create space for the all-weather friends? 
Coincidentally, another Lisa — Lisa Bonchek Adams — is also blogging her way through metastatic breast cancer, and just happened to write about the topic of isolation yesterday. Her post, simply entitled "Alone," describes the hiding and the isolation she feels. "There is a fine line between giving space and putting distance," Lisa writes. "Only true friendships are going to make it under these circumstances. Sometimes the isolation comes from being shut out. Sometimes it comes from locking yourself away."

True dat. Dang Catch-22.


EDITED TO ADD: Ann, over at the witty and funny and uber-honest But Doctor...I hate Pink! blog, recently posted a terrific piece about feeling abandoned. Read it HERE.

21 comments:

  1. Renn, this was very eye opening, I can totally understand how little time a person has who is dealing with cancer, if I have friends in the future who have to deal with this... or whatever trials, I am going to make the effort to stay close to them:)

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    1. Launna I love that you still read my blog despite the fact that you are a non-cancer blogger! You always bring a fresh, upbeat perspective. Thanks for being so thoughtful.

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    2. I will always read your blog when you post Renn, I love getting your perspective... I enjoy how you write and what you have to say:)

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  2. It's interesting you talk about how much time cancer requires. I think I've had to try, as I've become -thankfully- more distanced from the parade of hospital appointments, to actively make time for life without cancer. Mind you, that in itself has nothing to do with friendship. But I certainly savour the moments that have nothing to do with cancer, particularly when it involves getting together with friends who have been consistently awesome. That's a really good use of my time, and a sanity saver! Friendship can fade, but the really worthwhile ones will last. To me, that's what really matters. ~Catherine

    P.S. I always appreciate when you comment, Renn. :) It's so good to have these conversations; a definite positive in coping & sharing.

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    1. You're so right, it takes a concerted effort to make time for life without allowing cancer to color it.

      As someone who has always struggled with that overwhelmed feeling when too busy (I really dislike being on the go-go-go), I have struggled with the amount of time and energy my medical situation takes up. Blogging has been my saving grace, even though it takes me so long to write a post. It's the only way I can "see" the bigger picture of what I've been through, where I am, and where I'm going. And of course, connecting with other bloggers is the BEST and keeps me sane! :-)

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  3. ...and sometimes you draw in because you want to "protect" and not burden those closest to you (husband, young-adult children) - no right; no wrong; just what we sometimes do.

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    1. TC, thank you for mentioning the elephant in the room. I do this ALL the time! A lightbulb has just gone off for me. Another blog post is brewing!

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    2. :=) Me too! Already started jotting down notes.

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  4. Renn, I love this post as well as that of Lisa Bonchek Adams. I didn't experience people distancing themselves, but I absolutely needed to distance myself from most, even for a long time during recovery. What's weird is I am in process of writing a blog post about this very topic, and then I read yours and Lisa's. I wondered, should I scrap mine since others are covering it so well? And then I thought, no, because obviously this is a topic we're all thinking about and needs to be addressed in our own unique way. And now I'm going on and on in a comment because, yes, I've had my own internal nerve triggered. :) Thanks again for this post and for your presence on the net.

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    1. Eileen, I love it when I notice synchronicity in the blogging world! It is definitely a topic that needs airing, and we need your voice! Glad it triggered a nerve. Looking forward to reading your point of view. Thanks for being here, and being there!

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  5. Thank you for bringing this to the table, Renn. I'm just finishing my 13th month since diagnosis and have seen how the relationships in my life have changed. For all the reasons mentioned too. May I add, too? In those quiet moments of praying, reading scripture and listening to worship music that has been the greatest blessing to me. It is my relationship with God that has encouraged my heart and brought comfort to me. I never thought I would battle cancer, but I have discovered that I am not alone. I appreciate you and the other bloggers that keep the dialogue open and the ability to share. Thank you ~

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    1. Carol, YES it's so important to dialogue about these issues! And I'm happy you have found such comfort in your spiritual life. Thank you for sharing! And you are most definitely not alone! ;-)

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  6. hi renn, great piece once again. i remind your friends here that i am a old friend of yours who does not have BC. one thing i thought of...it has always been a big part of your nature to give...and not that you never receive, but you rarely ask for anything. you are not alone with that = i think many of us are like this (myself included)those kinds of dynamics often times become habitual. and the receivers sometimes are not even aware of it. we are aware, but they arent. its hard to ask, i know. but maybe its something that needs to happen? i love you. m

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    1. M, as always, thanks for your insight! I honestly am unsure if anyone (with or without cancer) is ever really comfortable asking for help! Ya know what I mean? I'm not sure anyone does it well. I'm not sure it comes naturally to anyone.

      Or does it?

      Would love to hear from anyone out there who has mastered how to ask and receive. I think a good many of us could use some tips! ;-)

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  7. I love your blog and every time i try to comment i get computer challenges. :) Your entries really hit a note with me and much of what you write about are things i think about or feel. Cancer truly tests a friendship and i found at the age of 31 when i was diagnosed some of my people were just not ready to face this harsh reality. But the ones who stay by you really show you what they are made of and that there will be there no matter what. Thanks for sharing. Obb

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    1. Obb, I'm sorry it is sometimes hard to comment... I have been getting a lot of spam lately so I had to turn the comments manager back on for a bit. ;-) I'm glad I'm able to connect some of what I'm feeling with what many others also are feeling out here.... but I'm sad we have to deal with any of this at all! Connection, and feeling less alone, is really the name of the game. Thank you for being here!

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  8. dear renn and lisa,

    i read both of your posts and found them so relevant, and so worthy of truly thinking about. i admire your thoughtful observations about the "why's" of fading away relationships and think they are spot on. may i just add something from my own personal experiences? since being dx'd with ST IV metastatic BC there have been people who outright abandoned me (and my husband, who also has cancer), and it was clear that those few relationships were beyond reconciliation and healing. but there were others, with years and years invested in constancy, in true affection, who i knew were such good people. i asked myself if the very fulfilling closeness we felt for one another was truly gone? like you and lisa i was able to think about possible reasons "why" they seemed to vanish from our lives, and thought about that question for a long time. then, one day i found myself phoning one of those dear friends right out of the blue, like i was on some kind of automatic pilot. i panicked inside, not knowing what i would say. when my friend answered and heard my voice, she burst into tears and said she had missed me so much, was so sorry she hadn't called or offered support. i told her it was okay, i was just happy to hear her voice - and from that point we talked and talked and talked. she expressed such an overhelming sense of helplessness, and admitted she handled it with avoidance. we ended up consoling each other - and remain close and very connected. that gave me the courage to reach out to a few other people - some responded, others not so much. it behooves us to accept that some people have issues that we cannot resolve, even if we are willing to take the first step to save a friendship. but i will be forever grateful that the love i had for my dear friend of many years somehow prompted me to reach out to her, and that our two hurting hearts helped heal us both.

    i am so glad you both have written about this issue. practical information, shared experiences, and perhaps even opening the door to provide a good example to our kids and show them what being a good friend is in good times and bad times will hopefully lead to changes in attitudes and behavior. great job, wonderful posts! thank you so much.


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    1. Karen,TC: THANK YOU for an awesome contribution to this dialogue. I felt like I was right there with you on that telephone as you dialed your friend out of habit. I'm so glad you were able to push past it and reconnect. It's all about honesty... reaching out and being honest but the scary (and difficult part) is doing it and yet bracing for rejection. As you say above, some people you reached out to did not respond as well as your other friend did. We have to get to a place where we are strong enough to handle the rejection should we receive it... and hopefully the cases where we are embraced outweigh those of feeling rejected.

      I see a blog in your future... I'm just sayin'. :-) xoxo

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  9. OOPS! i forgot to sign my comment - it's me, karen,TC - just with a new google user name. XOXO

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  10. I am so glad you wrote about this. I found out who my true friends were when I got breast cancer. I think it was hard for some people to deal with it and others just couldn't relate. I also needed to be surrounded by people who were there for me as treatment was so intense. I really appreciate when you said (Which came first... us being preoccupied, or them being afraid of our needing more than they are capable of giving?). You take on fading away of friendships is spot on. Thanks Renn for this excellent post. XoXoXo - Susan

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Your comments are encouraging — and encouraged!