PRE-OP ROAD TRIP

My datebook tells me I have a lot to do today before I head to Las Vegas tonight. I wish I could say I am taking a trip to take my mind off my upcoming surgery (while that is a side benefit, it's not the real reason I am going). Instead, I am accompanying two BFFs and one BFF daughter, the latter of which is competing in an athletic event in Vegas. And a road trip sounds soooo good right about now.

          First things first, though. I pick up my car, which has been in the shop due to a broken automatic-window-control thingy. Then I stop by the dentist to cement a crown and get my teeth cleaned. For some unknown reason, I decide to tell the hygenist I have breast cancer and of course I start to cry. (And no, I really didn't see that one coming!)

          Next up: my pre-op appointment with my internist, Dr. S., in preparation for my January 19th lumpectomy. But he is not in today. Instead, I see a doctor I've never seen before. She greets me in 3-inch heels and carries a folder with the pathology report from my biopsy in her hands. She glances down at it and says (quite casually), "So, you'll be having chemo then?"

          Me: "WHAT?"
          Daffy Doc continues: "I see you are estrogen negative."
          Me: "No, I'm not! I'm estrogen and progesterone positive — I'm HER2 negative!"
          DD: "Oh, I must have read that wrong." Pause. 
          DD (again): "I see your BRCA test is negative."
          Me: "WHAT? That can't be back yet. It's too soon. Are you sure?"
          DD: "Well, that's what Dr. S. typed it in here. Why would he type it in if it wasn't in?"

Now my blood pressure is on the rise. She asks me a few real questions (not inane assumptive statements) and then a nurse comes in to draw my blood and run an EKG. I'm handed a referral for a chest Xray (which I have to get at another location on the other side of town). On my way out, I ask the nurse at the front desk for a copy of my BRCA results. Guess what? They can't find them. The nurse that drew my blood pipes in: "I haven't seen any BRCA test results come in yet." Really? How surprising.

          I wish medical professionals would be a tad more sensitive; these tests, these stats, are a VERY big deal. And when my info is treated nonchalantly like this, it makes me feel whittled down to a bare nub of a patient — just a number on a chart that can easily be misread. Not on my watch. This is MY life we're talking about!

          I look at my cell phone and realize I have barely enough time to get the chest Xray and then get home to make dinner before my BFFs arrive. We have a quick bite, hop in the car and steer it towards the freeway. We laugh, we joke, we sing, we break a tail light.  BFFs are great!

          We roll into Vegas exhausted, and plop down onto our big, comfy pillow-top beds. Oh yeah, this is exactly what I need.

OPERATION WIG-OUT

Couldn’t fall asleep last night. Can’t shut off my mind. I started reading Living Through Breast Cancer (Carolyn M. Kaelin, M.D.); wish I'd been leafing through it from the moment I got my diagnosis (rather than waiting an entire month). But I guess I wasn’t ready. There is so much to know, to remember — and it all falls to me to figure out.

It's been five days since my meeting with the surgeon when the phone rings. It's Dr. A.'s nurse; she is absolutely thrilled to tell me that she has scheduled me for surgery on Wednesday. She starts rattling off the details when I interrupt her. 

         What? Wednesday when? 
         "THIS Wednesday." 
         You mean two-days-from-now Wednesday? As in the day after tomorrow? Like in 48 hours? WHOA. This is way too fast.
         The nurse is so not happy. "Do you know what I just went through to get you on the schedule this soon?" 
         But what about seeing my internist to get cleared for surgery? What about my blood work? My EKG? My chest X-ray? How can I get all that done in two days? 
          The pitch in my voice is crescendoing, and this catches the attention of my husband. I look up to find him standing in the doorway of my office. He can see the utter terror in my eyes. He calmly takes the cell phone away from me, tells the nurse that, in fact, this week is definitely not good for us, and we would like to reschedule for next Tuesday, Wednesday or Thursday please.

Amazing. He is my hero. The nurse says she will get back to us. I hope against hope that she can change the surgery date.

I should be relieved, right? But no, I'm wigging out. I'm absolutely not mentally prepared to have surgery in two days — especially since NO ONE IN MY FAMILY KNOWS I HAVE BREAST CANCER YET!! Oy. I am amped up; I need to calm down. I go for a 90-minute hike with a dear friend I've known since grade school and tell her all the dirty details before the sun goes down.

The following morning, I decide it's finally time to 'fess up. I take my mother to get our nails done. When we return home, I sit her down at the kitchen table and over a glass of iced tea casually mention that I have a “health issue.” And then I tell her my story (just the highlights, not the scary parts), focusing on the positives (the cancer is slow growing, estrogen/progesterone positive, HER-2 negative). She is upset, of course, and tears well up, but she doesn't cry. She is strong. I only choke up when I tell her how the doctor broke the news to me — he did it over the phone.

I had put off this conversation for so long because I was afraid she wouldn't be able to handle it. But in all honesty, I was afraid I couldn't handle it. The funny thing is, my mother really would have been OK if I had waited to tell her until after I had my surgery. I had to tell her for me. I am just so relieved she finally knows the truth. Keeping this secret has been sapping my energy. And I can't afford to give any of it away.

Next up: Family History.