OF FUNERALS AND FRIENDS

We had a death in the family. My husband's only sibling died suddenly three weeks ago. He was not young; he was not old. He was middle aged. And his death sent shock waves throughout the family. 

(Copyright © 2013 The Big C and Me)

Which reminded me that the rituals surrounding death, while varied, exist for a reason: Society has been following mourning rituals for thousands of years — because they work. No matter what those rituals are, they're important, and they're in place to help soften death's blow. These traditions have vast intrinsic value in helping to push us gently along our own pathways of grief...
nudging us to feel and express our emotions in a safe and protected environment. 

(Copyright © 2013 The Big C and Me)

I'm sure you've heard many folks say they flat-out don't like funerals. Newsflash: No one likes funerals. If you can't bring yourself to attend the wake or the funeral or the memorial service or the gathering at the house (or whatever mourning ritual a friend or family member has put together), take that as a red flag. Realize that by ignoring these difficult transitions and experiences, you rob yourself of the opportunity to support the people you care about (remember: you're not the only one who is grieving) as well as stifle your ability to process the death for yourself.

Everyone feels a death, whether they were close to the person or not. When someone dies, it really is like a ripple in a pond... the void is felt in waves, forever into infinity.

Being part of a group who is grieving together can be a beautiful thing. My husband and I were taken aback by the sheer number of people who spoke at his brother's funeral, providing us with a vibrant, three-dimensional view of a man we thought we knew. But no one truly knows the breadth and scope of someone's life. Funerals and similar gatherings give us an opportunity to celebrate and remember what we loved most about someone, and to share that with family and friends. This makes for memories most may never otherwise hear.

I have had cancer, and I blog within a vibrant cancer community. I have come to know far too many who are living the stark reality of advanced disease. It ain't pretty, it ain't painless. My brother-in-law was lucky — he died in his sleep. Though he didn't grow old, he also did not suffer. The same cannot be said of our many friends and family with metastasized cancer. They are suffering. They may die sooner rather than later. None of this is fair. None of this is pretty.

Which brings me to the similarities between friends and funerals.

If you've ever wondered who your "real" friends would be if you ever got cancer (or other scary health diagnosis), look no further than your nearest funeral. The people that stand by you when you grieve the loss of a loved one are the same people who support you during your health crisis. 

The folks who showed up at my brother-in-law's funeral two weeks ago were the very people who showed up at my house when I was sick. The sympathy cards and plants we received in the past weeks? Yup, from the same people who sent us food and flowers after my surgeries. 

Missing during the funeral and in the weeks afterwards? The same people missing post-cancer diagnosis.

There's a lesson to be learned here. Apparently funerals and health scares bring out the best and the worst in people. Make note of it.

PS: Have you noticed this connection in your own life?