Thursday, February 28, 2013

OF FUNERALS AND FRIENDS

We had a death in the family. My husband's only sibling died suddenly three weeks ago. He was not young; he was not old. He was middle aged. And his death sent shock waves throughout the family. 
(Copyright © 2013 The Big C and Me)
Which reminded me that the rituals surrounding death, while varied, exist for a reason: Society has been following mourning rituals for thousands of years — because they work. No matter what those rituals are, they're important, and they're in place to help soften death's blow. These traditions have vast intrinsic value in helping to push us gently along our own pathways of grief...
nudging us to feel and express our emotions in a safe and protected environment. 


(Copyright © 2013 The Big C and Me)
I'm sure you've heard many folks say they flat-out don't like funerals. Newsflash: No one likes funerals. If you can't bring yourself to attend the wake or the funeral or the memorial service or the gathering at the house (or whatever mourning ritual a friend or family member has put together), take that as a red flag. Realize that by ignoring these difficult transitions and experiences, you rob yourself of the opportunity to support the people you care about (remember: you're not the only one who is grieving) as well as stifle your ability to process the death for yourself.

Everyone feels a death, whether they were close to the person or not. When someone dies, it really is like a ripple in a pond... the void is felt in waves, forever into infinity.

Being part of a group who is grieving together can be a beautiful thing. My husband and I were taken aback by the sheer number of people who spoke at his brother's funeral, providing us with a vibrant, three-dimensional view of a man we thought we knew. But no one truly knows the breadth and scope of someone's life. Funerals and similar gatherings give us an opportunity to celebrate and remember what we loved most about someone, and to share that with family and friends. This makes for memories most may never otherwise hear.

I have had cancer, and I blog within a vibrant cancer community. I have come to know far too many who are living the stark reality of advanced disease. It ain't pretty, it ain't painless. My brother-in-law was lucky — he died in his sleep. Though he didn't grow old, he also did not suffer. The same cannot be said of our many friends and family with metastasized cancer. They are suffering. They may die sooner rather than later. None of this is fair. None of this is pretty.

Which brings me to the similarities between friends and funerals.

If you've ever wondered who your "real" friends would be if you ever got cancer (or other scary health diagnosis), look no further than your nearest funeral. The people that stand by you when you grieve the loss of a loved one are the same people who support you during your health crisis. 

The folks who showed up at my brother-in-law's funeral two weeks ago were the very people who showed up at my house when I was sick. The sympathy cards and plants we received in the past weeks? Yup, from the same people who sent us food and flowers after my surgeries. 

Missing during the funeral and in the weeks afterwards? The same people missing post-cancer diagnosis.

There's a lesson to be learned here. Apparently funerals and health scares bring out the best and the worst in people. Make note of it.

PS: Have you noticed this connection in your own life?


25 comments:

  1. I don't have a problem with a wake or funeral.... these a both cathartic.... I just don't have a desire to view a dead body.

    This post is SO true Renn... You find out who your friends are when you go through a difficult trial

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    1. Yes, cathartic is the word! I hear you on the viewing-of-the-body thing. That is SO not my thing. I prefer to remember someone from my own memory bank. (I am too visually impressionable otherwise.) But everyone is different, and I totally respect that.
      xo

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  2. I went to the wake for a friend last week. She had had breast cancer for 21 years, more than 15 of them as stage IV. I could have gone to the wake with some friends later in the day but I wanted to go when I felt wanted to pay my respects. I met her husband and children and siblings and we told silly stories about her. I felt better on leaving.

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    1. Caroline, it's so important that we listen to our internal voice in these situations. Sounds like that is what you did. There is nothing comfortable about saying goodbye to someone. There is no right or wrong. The smallest gesture is so appreciated.

      I love that you shared silly stories about your friend with her family. It's so comforting to hear these tidbits, and it helps to laugh. Even in our darkest moments, we have to laugh.

      Thanks for sharing this.

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  3. "If you've ever wondered who your "real" friends would be if you ever got a cancer (or other scary health diagnosis), look no further than your nearest funeral. The people that support you when you grieve the loss of a loved one are the very same people who support you during your health crisis."

    I can understand how one might feel this way...and there might very well be truth to this. But being one of those who did not show up to the funeral...I cannot say this is completely true.

    But that is not the point. The point is, I did not know how important that would be to you. And if it made you feel less cared for, I want to apologize. I should have come, no matter what. I just let my schedule keep me on track and didn't realize that there are times one should put the breaks on and do what is right.

    I am so sorry...and I hope you still know how much I care about you & RK. Love, MB

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    1. MB! You WERE there! In spirit! You always show your caring to me, even if you can't be there in person. I'm *never* talking about you in these posts! ;-)

      What I'm trying to say above is that there is a definite connection between how people handle your grief and how people handle your cancer. The folks who are there for you during your darkest hours are one and the same. It is an interesting phenomenon that I never really noticed before now.
      xoxo

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  4. "But no one truly knows the breadth and scope of someone's life." Beautiful post and beautifully said. I agree that funeral and memorial rituals are so important. I attended a friend's memorial service (she died of leukemia and suffered so). I loved her and knew her so well -- or so I thought. During the service, people got up and discussed their memories of my friend, and I didn't know most of what was said about her.

    I'm so sorry about your brother-in-law.

    Hugs,

    Beth

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    1. Beth, thanks for sharing that. It's so true, isn't it? We learn so much about a person, and about ourselves, during these grieving traditions and rituals. They have been in place for centuries for a reason. Thank you, as always, for your kind thoughts.

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  5. Renn, my sincere sympathies to you and your family on the loss of your brother-in-law. It's hard enough when someone dies, but such a blow when it's completely unexpected. When my father died, I remember how very comforting the grieving rituals were. I remember thinking they were designed with wisdom and true understanding because they helped me do what I needed to do. And, again, I'm so sorry about your husband's brother. xoxo

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    1. Eileen, I'm glad to hear you found comfort in the grieving rituals too. I haven't really spoken about it with many people, but it's just something that needs to be talked about, I think. Thanks for adding to the conversation, and for your sympathies. Mucho appreciated!

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  6. dear renn,

    i am so very sorry for your husband's sudden loss of his brother, and for your loss of your brother-in-law. what you write about in this post is both thought provoking and insightful.

    we often don't do a very good job with the death and dying issues - seems in our culture people avoid them and feel very uncomfortable with not knowing what to do, what to say - some cope with avoidance, leaving friends and family bewildered, or worse, estranged which ironically, leads to more loss. why can't we find a way to help those who are so handicapped with being clueless? and the sad part is that people who are grieving can feel so comforted by a simple, "i'm sorry for your loss, and i am here for you."

    i would add that many people don't have a point of reference from examples set by their families when growing up. avoidance breeds avoidance...

    i feel very lucky that my mom was so great about reaching out to others, and taught us how to extend kindness and support, and explained that even though it's sometimes hard to know what to say or do when someone dies, extending one's self in sad times with a phone call, a card, or a warm hug, shows that we care much more for those who are bereaved than for our own sense of inadequacy.

    love, XOXO,

    karen, TC

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    1. Karen, it's so true... we learn from the example set (or not set) by our parents in how we deal with death and bereavement. I think most of us could use some help in how to handle it.

      I really love your wisdom here: "Extending one's self in sad times ... shows that we care much more for those who are bereaved than for our own sense of inadequacy." That is great advice. Your mom did a great job! Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this important and uncomfortable topic.
      xo

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  7. Renn, I recently attended the funeral of a friend who died of Stage IV breast cancer. I felt survivor guilt because I am still around. I couldn't believe how many attended this woman's service. It was long (2 hours) and included communion. Most people stayed for the entire time. I realized how loved this woman was and wondered how many would be there at my funeral. Did I have that many friends? But I was glad I went. It gave me hope and encouragement to see that kind of support. Thanks for this moving post on the real connection between friends and funerals. xox

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    1. Jan, I know what you mean, I think those same thoughts! Truth be told, part of why I blog is to leave a trace of me behind. I have a fear of disappearing.

      Re: Survivor's Guilt... we cannot explain or know why some of us stay and some of us go. All we can do is do our best to enjoy the moment. I know you are doing that every day. {{{hugs}}}

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  8. Another great post that really says it like it is. Once you are in this cancr world, we are so exposed to death and in some of the most tragic senses. I am happy you have a strong circle around you that is there through good and bad. It is those vulnerable times when they come through the most. Sorry for your loss Renn. Hugs from OBB

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    1. Thank you, and big {{{hugs}}} back to YOU, OBB, as you recover from major surgery. Thinking of you!!!
      xoxoxo

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  9. Renn, I'm very sorry for your family's loss. How terribly sad. How's your husband doing? Losing his only sibling must be horribly difficult. This post is quite timely for me personally as tomorrow marks five years since my mother's death. I've been struggling a bit with this "marker." I've also been thinking a lot about those rituals you wrote about. They are indeed important. Grief is often such a difficult topic for many to deal with and yes, there are similarities between grief/loss and cancer. That's why I chose to write about both when I started blogging. Thanks for this important post. And again, I'm sorry for your family's loss. xox

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    1. Nancy, thank you. I saw your posts about "marking time" and it is SO important and apropos to do so.

      Five years is a long time in many respects and yet I'm sure it seems like only yesterday that your mom was with you. {{{hugs}}} as you move through this difficult time.
      xoxo

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  10. Hi Renn
    I am sorry about your loss.. My younger brother died nearly 4 years ago. It was the worst pain I could have endured. We were very close I just had surgery I still had the drains at his funeral. He was an alcoholic he wasn't supposed to die yet. he was young. He was drunk fell hit his head..Coming from a European family Funerals are generally large gatherings with a party afterwards.It is important to honour the deceased with something a few words a note even if you thought he was a jerk lol The problem I have with funerals and memorials where were the same people praising after death before the person passed away...? I dislike that kind of hypocrisy.
    Love Alli....x

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    1. Alli, it is so true what you said... people are praised at their funerals (if we are lucky!) but did these people feel the love when they were alive? Is there a disparity there? That's a question she can all ask ourselves and do something about with the people we are lucky to still have in our lives.

      As always, thank you for your honesty and insight!

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    2. That's a question WE (not she!) can all ask ourselves. Oops, typo!

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  11. I agree with Launna... its the dead body I have a problem with. This is sad but at my son's funeral, they made some sort of mistake and I could see blood on the back collar of his white shirt. We had an open casket for immediate family only because his father did not have a chance to see him before they took his body away. that blood on the shirt still haunts me.

    i joined a support group after my son's death and it was very helpful. I still visit a women who's son died the same time as mine. we have grown very close. we both understand the pain.

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    1. Thank you for sharing, dear Shannon.

      I think of sharing like a release valve... it helps lessens the internal pressure.

      Here's to continued sharing!
      {{{{{{hugs}}}}}

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  12. Renn, I'm so sorry to hear this. Your husband must be heartbroken. There's a particular kind of pain that comes with the loss of a sibling.

    I've always thought there was a lot of wisdom in the phrase 'paying your respects.' That's it exactly. Acknowledging the full breadth & value of someone's life can be a beautiful ritual, however it's done.

    Love to you and your family. Kathi

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